When I was in middle school, I would sometimes come home in tears, crying to my parents that the other kids had picked on me.
After a few episodes of this, my parents taught me a very lasting, if not exactly helpful lesson—if people are picking on you, it is 50% their fault, and 50% yours. We agreed that the kids shouldn’t have been mean to be, but they also made sure I acknowledged my role as a target. We considered my flaws. I was bad at sports, and didn’t try to get better. I refused to wear the Abercrombie & Fitch clothing that was popular with girls my age (I claimed “you’re buying a label, not a shirt,” which I certainly must have read somewhere). And worst of all, I decorated my school binders with printed-out pictures of anime characters and was mercilessly teased for it.
My parents helped me realize how my own behaviors made me an easy target for the other kids, and eventually I toned things down. Gradually, I started martial arts, went clothes shopping at the mall, and didn’t even watch anime for several years. And sure enough, I stopped getting picked on. It helps that I met a great group in 9th grade who I am still friends with to this day.
I became a person who was very risk averse, and I still am this way today. Though I’m fairly vocal on the internet, in person, I work really hard not to stand out.
Which is why I couldn’t understand why my new coworker seemed to have such a problem with me.
I was nervous about being the first woman on the web development team, but most of the guys treated me well. Except one. Steve (not his real name) wouldn’t leave me alone. He teased me about my appearance, saying that if a girl was going to join our department, he wished it had been a pretty one. He publically pointed out my mistakes, and blamed me for bugs in the code even when it was a project I didn’t work on. He made jokes that just weren’t funny, like when he pleasantly urged the technician to strangle me with the cord while they were installing my new phone.
I had just started my new job in November, and by December it felt like I had stories every day to bring home to John. At first we’d laugh together, but pretty soon John stopped laughing.
“You need to go to HR,” he said.
“Relax, I can handle it,” I said.
I’d learned, after all, that it takes two people for bullying to happen. I just had to stop being a target. When his jokes escalated, I stopped laughing or even saying “That’s not funny,” and affected indifference. When he rubbed my bra strap through my shirt, I started wearing only baggy clothes. I followed his instructions to the letter so he couldn’t criticize my work.
A few months later, when he made a rape joke, I put on my usual stone expression until I could get home and laugh it over with John. Or so I thought. John was furious—and at the time, I didn’t understand why. I thought he was angry at me. If Steve was saying sexual things to me at work, that had to mean I was sending signals that I was available and being unfaithful to John.
At John’s strong recommendation, I finally went to HR. Apparently, Steve had multiple complaints leveraged against him besides mine. He was let go in a week. I didn’t feel relieved though. I just felt like I’d failed. Even though I’d tried to do everything right in order to no longer be Steve’s target, none of it worked.
This happened four months ago and I’m finally coming to terms with this: none of this was my fault. And if you are being harassed in any way right now, NONE of it is your fault. You don’t need to change yourself because somebody else is being an asshole.
If somebody really wants to hurt you, it doesn’t matter if you take precautions. Saying harassment is 50% the victim’s fault is like partially blaming a rape victim. But it took me a long time to get to the point where I actually believe this is true.
If you’re reading this blog, you are awesome. You have some pretty sweet hobbies and interests, for example. Not everyone will like you, but that’s their loss. I don’t ever want you to be afraid to be yourself. And if somebody makes you feel that way, don’t waste time trying to change yourself the way I did. Talk to somebody who loves you. Talk to somebody higher up. Get help. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Photo by Ryan Melaugh
11 Comments.
I find this one really hard personally as it can be so hard to know where the line is between constructive criticism and actual bullying. Especially if you have low self esteem, the natural gut reaction can be ‘Oh, I need to improve this now’ – but how do you know if what you’re being told is a genuine area you *should* work on, or whether the person is just projecting their own beliefs on to you. You get into the whole kettle of fish of classic ‘bullying’ tactics when they start framing it with language like ‘Oh, that’s just being professional…’, ‘Hey, be brave, try something new!’ etc. etc., to dig away at your own belief of what is right and wrong.
I totally get this. In the past I’ve been bullied, but in hindsight I’ve mostly been “bullied.” This is only my personal experience, but for a significant amount of time I had very low self-esteem, was very self-conscious and insecure about my interests, hobbies, and beliefs, and that spiraled into a depression. What I interpreted as bullying during that time, in hindsight, was actually exactly what you described: constructive criticism. It took me a few years to realize that, but the experience has, sure, changed me into a bit of a different person, but not at all in a bad way! In fact, if I met the me from a few years ago, I would be very frustrated with him!
Of course, that’s just my experience, so I can’t speak for those who have ACTUALLY been bullied. Lauren’s story sounds much more like bullying than “bullying,” though, and very similar to a problem a female member of my family went through in the workplace, which I guess demonstrates how case-by-case the issue really is.
I think I should tell you about what happened at a job (which was at an IT education school) I had for 2 years. So around Halloween time last year, I was helping to run a webinar for my company and things turned out swell. One of my colleagues had an idea to have our videographer put it on YouTube to generate more traffic that benefits everyone. I was like “Sounds good. Let me email our videographer!” I did so (as he was out). But the end result didn’t come out positive.
Around mid-afternoon, I pass by the videographer’s office and he calls me. He says that I shouldn’t tell him to do the YouTube upload since that’s not his responsibility. I said “I’m sorry about that.” Then he touches me and forcefully drags me into his office and says “You have it in for me, *expletive*? Huh? I see you messing up my office while you’re doing the webinar. I know you’re doing your job, but don’t do that crap.” I apologized repeatedly, but he kept saying “I’m watching you from now on.” while cursing repeatedly. My parents told me I should have punched or called the cops, but I’m not sure if I wanted to cause so much drama that scares people off. I knew the guy was stressed and I can’t blame him for it because the company has ass management. I also knew I did something wrong since I have messed up his office space without empathy, but he didn’t need to touch me.
I reported the incident to my supervisor, who then reported to the president. I spoke to the president the following Tuesday as he was away at the time. The president then told me that the guy who harassed me said he denies the charges and he already spoke to him. They weren’t going to punish him because the videographer helps them make a lot of money and that he’s a nice guy deep down (I’ve seen him with his daughter at the office once). The president told me to go back and do my job with enthusiasm like I usually do! He even told me that I was smart and that he would kill anyone who bullied me. I don’t think I needed to hear that at the time.
I told the president that I need to take the day off because it felt like no one stood up for me at all. Even the guys at IT (who I trust) said I will be fine. I didn’t believe it.
I quit the job after a couple of weeks around Thanksgiving time after getting a new one. However, the president at my new job let me go in late January because I wasn’t flexible enough. The problem was that I tried to treat the new job as a rebound to get past the trauma. Novelty began to wear off. I still felt like complete shit as I had moments where I cried by myself while no one was looking. I couldn’t get along with the new people and it felt like the president (who was my direct supervisor too) was such a perfectionist. I was so scared of making mistakes because she got frustrated when I messed up on “office basics.”
I’m trying to get back into the non-profit world because I HATE the corporate lifestyle. I feel that NYC corporate life isn’t the solution for me. Everything’s too fast-paced for me. That’s why I’ve been studying SQL because it feels different and better than doing administrative work. Volunteering at the NAMI branch has been pleasant too since it helps me gain some sanity (and provides inspiration for blog material).
What’s funny was that I saw the president at the IT education school again and we talked about working together again. I think I bit off more than I chewed as I suggested to do database work. They just moved to a smaller location and aren’t profitable. I think I was a bit desperate, but in retrospect, the videographer was still there. So perhaps it was a sign to not go back.
A friend told me to take a year off from job searching/work because of what happened. I told her I’ll still look, but I don’t know right now if what happened last year still has an effect on me. Like you, I don’t want to think it’s entirely my fault. I’ll admit my mistakes if I know I did something wrong, but I don’t want to feel responsible for everything else.
@MangaTherapy:disqus thank you so much for sharing this with me. I want you to know this: I BELIEVE YOU. I 100% believe that this videographer was an asshole.
One of the reasons I didn’t go forward sooner is because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. This guy joked about killing/raping me in front of my colleagues, but my colleagues didn’t seem to react or hear. I did not have a paper trail (I had like, TWO comments in email form total), and I thought that if I went to HR, they would need more proof. Obviously Steve would deny it, but I thought my coworkers would deny it also, because Steve ranked a lot higher than me and was also a categorically better programmer than me.
I’m so glad your parents believed you. I’m so glad you had the confidence to leave that job. You did everything right, in my opinion.
I recently have started recording conversations on my phone when I worry the conversation is getting unprofessional or turning south, so I will never be stuck doubting myself again. Like Virginia, New York is a “one party” wiretapping law, so you can record people legally as a last resort.
I’m glad you didn’t go back to that company. Because IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. It is a really awful thing that happened to you, and I’m impressed and inspired that you are moving on.
It was NOT easy because I was in that mental trap of “But I need to get money/pay bills!”, but someone told me that in the end of the day, “a job’s just a job in the end.” I’m not my job, which is the opposite of the American mantra. That makes me more anti-American than anything sadly.
I’ve moved on, but it does feel like I need to start over and my parents are worried that I haven’t found anything that ensures I have financial stability (maybe because I’m just scared of losing time to office politics/nonsense/working insane hours to prove something). My degree hasn’t helped me one bit. But they do know my depression makes me different from other people. At the same time because of my laid-back mentality and hopping around, I don’t think I would’ve met the important and fun people I have met (including you) if I were doing a simple 9-to-5 job.
Office politics are terrible. In the end of the day, people will almost always look out for themselves when shit hits the fan. I wasn’t surprised that HR didn’t do a thing to help you. I think I hate dealing with people in a nutshell, which I may have got from my dad (since he hates arguing despite getting angry quite a bit).
I thought doing the recording thing from now on if things look to be get way out of hand. I’m starting to understand why the wise yet snarky business people tell people not to be true to themselves all the time if they want to be successful at a corporate environment and that when companies preach individuality, it’s only up to their standards.
I have to say, as someone who works in at IT Department at a big, company, if someone pulled that shit in our office, they’d have both the office and HR giving them a swift exit.
I’m sorry to hear this happened, and that you felt like you had to endure it for so long. I don’t have anything conducive to say beyond that I guess. People should respect each other and their boundaries, and its sad when, even in a technologically advanced and fast moving field like IT and Web Development, this shit not only happens, but is prevalent. :(
Thanks for sharing this. Most people prefer to keep bullying incidents a secret than to go through the procedure of facing bullying for what it is – emotional harassment, lack of clarity and empathy, disrespect, and so many more – and doing something about it. We all have our dark moments and ‘asshole’ is an adjective we all more or less wear at some point in our lives, but this kind of behaviour, the one directed at you, can’t be dealt with kindness and understanding, but with a firm hand. I know it sounds a little far-fetched, but maybe the only way to stop bullying is instilling a fear or shame of the act itself. If more people spoke up, either defending themselves or others, people who indulge in exercising their power upon the supposedly weaker would stop in fear of the consequences. It’s always, 100%, the fault of the one who harasses. He had a choice. You didn’t.
I happen to find this post on my twitter email on the “stuff to check out” list.
The 50/50 targeting logic I wanna say is kind of a harsh reality to admit too. Yes its wrong for people to pick and/or bully you, but then you have to ask yourself “what did I do to be a target to begin with?” Most of that is not “fitting in” with the school and adolescent culture around you, and when you stick out well enough, that’s when kids want to pick and target you. I have been a victim of being bullied, but I have also been on the other side too. Regardless if I haven’t been the harshest bully, I’m able to be guilty of teasing other people. I would be lying to come on here and act like the victim 100 percent of my time growing up.
The thing to understand is that starting from middle school to the end of high school, is the age where people need to be called out of their problems, either them being labeled a victim or the bully. If you are the bully, you need to get your butt kicked downward and realize you’re not above anyone else and you need to get off your platform. And as the victim, you need to get your butt kicked upward to gain confidence and not sell yourself short. I had friends in high school who pointed out my faults, and they did this to me because there were stipulations into being their friend that I had to acknowledge in order to hang out with them, because they wanted me to hang out with them. I don’t look at this as me succumbing to peer pressure to “fit in,” it was the fact that I had to be reminded that I needed to grow up a bit in order to better myself. I will say that because of what they have said and the changes I made, I feel that I did become a better person over time.
I was that dork that had anime characters on books and school stuff (I mean I had a Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo on the cover of my bible that I drew, that I now look back on and cringe as to why I thought that was a good idea at the time). I also did the same dorky and nerdy things that other kids did to be a target, that I had to realize over time I needed to tone down. Because I did this, this didn’t make me less of an anime fan or a nerd, if anything I am more of a nerd now than I was in high school, I just don’t feel the need to show that to the public as much in order to get noticed.
The real reality is no matter what you do to try and appease yourself to others in order to lower tension or stop an issue from escalating further, the aggressor is still gonna be an asshole. There is only so much you can do to try and not cause conflict, but the person being the aggressor would have to see that, which most of the time they won’t because it’s not in their best interest, because they just don’t care about you, because they don’t care about themselves.
Since your last line I wanna say might be a reference from a Toasters song, I’ll throw in my ska band quote from Reel Big Fish by saying “… No matter what, no matter who, no matter what I do, somebody hates me.” Great post, and sorry for the long comment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC0BiUL7iyY
Good advice. I’ve been bullied all my life, from the first day of first grade to random stuff on Facebook. However, I’ve been a bully at times in my past and I’ve had to repent from my ways. Anyone can be a bully or be bullied – so don’t be a bully.
Thank you for writing about this, Lauren. I know it couldn’t have been easy.
I was bullied horribly before entering even kindergarten and then worse and worse and worse, to the point of going into a very dark place and requiring hospitalization and finally dropping out of school, then getting my GED and starting at the local community college in what would have been my senior year. Thankfully I never ran into any kind of bullying at that point, but the damage was done. I kept expecting it to happen, was incredibly cautious around my classmates and didn’t manage to make any actual friends, just people I was friendly with who I took classes with.
Honestly, even years and years away from all of that, the impact of being bullied still affects me daily. I’ve worked in places and have been talked down to, been overlooked, had my work thought lightly of when I knew I was doing good work and being treated dismissively. Never really being able to gather the confidence to stand up for myself. I’ve been so used in my life to being treated in these ways that I fall into that thinking of they must be right, that yes I am a loser, yes I do subpar work, yes I’m not a worthwhile employee or even a worthwhile person, never feeling any pride in anything I accomplish and never believing any praise no matter who gives it to me.
I have throughout my life apologized to people for no other reason than the fact that I exist and take up a tiny bit of room in their vicinity.
Now with the direction my life is moving in it’s actually gotten worse but I’m at least somehow managing to not change course and continue to sail into the wind as best I can.
[…] to write about my experience with sexual harassment last week, but it was worth it to get comments like Tony’s. He wrote a good follow-up to it at Manga Therapy this […]