About three years ago, I was riding the metro when it hit me—a lump in my throat; fluttering heartbeat; difficult, irregular breath.
John noticed immediately. “Are you OK?” he asked.
“Just hold my hand,” I managed, reaching for his. Mine was trembling.
Medically, there wasn’t anything wrong with me during this episode. I was having what anxiety sufferers call a panic attack, a sudden and intense episode of distress.
Ever since I was very young, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression. Something like a bad test grade could overwhelm me, bringing each of my perceived failures to the surface of my consciousness, as raw and painful as if they’d just occurred. It could lead to a panic attack, or simply days or weeks where I felt like I was going through the motions, totally numb.
I got my anxiety and depression under control when I began treating my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sessions like lectures. For a while I completely forgot about my diagnosis, until I started freelancing on my own three years ago, when it came back in full force.
As mental illnesses, anxiety and depression are deeply stigmatized. Sufferers and even former sufferers, like me, don’t often talk about it. If you don’t already believe it, I’m not going to be the one to convince you that these are real disorders caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. And when you’re trying to start a career for yourself as a writer, these high-running emotions can be devastating and have very real effects on your work and life.
Though nothing will ever completely remove that chemical imbalance, I call myself a former sufferer because anxiety and depression do not affect the way I live my life. However, I know very well what it feels like when they do, and if you find yourself in that dark place, let me validate that what you’re feeling is very real.
Here are some suggestions for dealing with mental illness, from one writer to another.
You are not a problem. But you need tools to solve your problems.
When my doctor told me and my parents that I needed to find a therapist to help me work through my depression, I felt like the world’s biggest failure. Enrolling in therapy meant I was the problem. I was not very smart.
It wasn’t until college that I realized that therapy wasn’t about fixing me, it was about offering solutions to the problems around me. I started bringing a notebook with me to take notes, draw diagrams, and draft emotional “scripts” I could follow in stressful situations. Many of these scripts have become almost reflexive. When I feel overwhelmed, I write a to-do list and then rank it by urgency. When I am anxious about a problem, I write a list of possible solutions. After my panic attack, I began taking a journal on the metro and writing lists to stay calm. Yes, all my coping mechanisms involve writing lists, but this is advice for writers I’m giving here.
You are not broken. You do not need fixing. But your problems absolutely do. Think of therapy or doctor-prescribed medication as tools in your arsenal toward combatting depression.
You can’t write from too high or too low.
One of my favorite pieces of advice about writing comes from Cheryl Strayed. In response to a writer who felt alternately full of herself and guilty, Strayed wrote:
“You’re up too high and down too low. Neither is the place where we get any work done. We get the work done on the ground level.”
Depression can be like a domino stack. One setback feels like a million, like if you get one article rejected you’re never going to find work again. Writing while feeling this way is going to lead to work tinged by your own self-doubt, if you manage to write anything at all.
It’s funny how we think the best writers are depressed, because I’ve never managed to get anything done during a depressive episode. Give yourself the time and space you need to write from a neutral emotional level.
Life first, work second.
Which brings me to this—your work is going to suck if you haven’t been taking care of yourself. You need to build a life around your work, not the other way around.
Probably that means a morning routine where you get up and dressed at a reasonable time, eat something, go to your workspace, even if you work from home. Maybe that means doing something to move your body every day, if being active is what balances your brain chemicals (I find it works for me). Maybe that means leaving the house and spending time with friends.
When I had my last panic attack, I was working all the time. I did not leave my house often. Other than watching TV, I did not have hobbies. Now, I make sure to go on a walk or run every day. I signed up for a class and joined a club so I could see more people in a week than my husband and the grocery store cashier. Usually, I forget that I’m living with depression until a mental health awareness effort comes up, which is thankfully more and more often.
You are not your illness.
Why is it OK to label yourself a depressed person, when depressive episodes are temporary? It’s like labeling yourself a broken-legged person. While depression and anxiety can feel terminal, do not use them to define yourself.
I used to think I might “lose” part of myself if I ever stopped feeling depressed. Maybe my writing ability would go first (all writers are depressed, aren’t they?) or my sense of humor. But surprise, I did not become some kind of plastic unfeeling robot just because I began employing coping mechanisms that made me stop feeling miserable all the time.
You are awesome. I know this, because you’re reading my blog. You are a writer brimming with novels and essays and articles and reviews. And no matter what your anxiety or depression is telling you, your ideas are great. Put them out into the world like they deserve.
Photo by Ryan Melaugh
24 Comments.
Thank you so much for writing this. As someone currently battling depression after trying to “just work through it” for eight years, I definitely identify with the experiences you described (minus the panic attacks, thank goodness.) The stigma is horrendous and I’m glad to see that it’s starting to change. When I’m feeling depressed, pretty much nothing gets done, at least on the writing front. Now I can still take care of myself and daily life-tasks during an episode; even if I can’t write for a while (or at least not write well), I can at least take care of myself and the life around me.
To other depressed creative folk (not just writers), I want to tell you this: Taking anti-depressants doesn’t mean you’re going to be addicted. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are weak or crazy. The beast can be tamed, even if it isn’t completely destroyed. You do not “deserve” to have depression, so don’t let it continue out of some misplaced sense of guilt. There is no reason for you to continue going through this misery.
We want to see what you will create.
@katclements:disqus what a great comment! I’d like to highlight and underline your entire second paragraph. It can’t be said enough!
Kat Clements anytime you wish to chat just let me know
Agreed, great comment, especially that second paragraph.
I wouldn’t say writers are depressed, but they are lonely and drink a lot. :P That chemical imbalance myth leading to depression is becoming more of a load of crap. It could be caused by a sudden dose of grief, trauma, etc.
Regardless, I don’t think it’s a good time for psychology because of this: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/09/paxil-safety-bmj-depression-suicide/406105/
I feel like you shouldn’t trust pharmaceuticals with your health since all they care about is your money. Medication does help, but I feel scared when people just recommend pills as the complete panacea to those who are desperate for a cure.
@MangaTherapy:disqus thanks Tony, I defer to you on this. I linked to a Harvard medical study, but one study does not indicate the truth.
There are a bunch of studies that have gone on to become debunked or irrelevant, due to new information over time. I know people are saying to trust science over certain issues, but science can be corrupted like everything else because of the need for prestige.
Sometimes, I joke about being depressed honestly. I don’t know if that helps, but laughter goes a long way.
I certainly do not trust the pharmaceutical companies, especially when it comes to anti-depressants and such. They get FDA approval by cherry picking the research studies that show their drug isefficacious, when, in fact, the drug is no better than placebo.
Then, of course, here in the US, those selfsame companies go on marketing sprees, this hit doctors’ offices and put tons of ads out there. The evening broadcast national news that I know my parents still watch is in reality nothing more than a delivery method for drug ads it seems.
That isn’t to say that medication is not helpful or that it is not potentially necessary. I know that the Lamotrigine I use is helpful for instance. It’s an anti-psychotic that also acts as mood stabilizer. It’s an older drug as well so it’s more understood. It slows my plummeting into dark places so that I have a chance to catch that I am heading for the danger line which, if I dip below, leads to suicide attempts. So that’s useful. My anti-depressant doesn’t seem to do a thing. The small dose of anti-anxiety medication I take as needed is also an older drug and can help me think rationally when anxiety starts to overwhelm me and can help come down from a panic attack.
Actually we are or I’m one of the few please read about my life.
I know that when my depression starts to get bad, just getting out of bed and taking a shower feel like major accomplishments. Nothing else will get done but at least I got up and took that shower. Sadly, I have more days like that than not.
I’ve been dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD since I was quite young. Major hospitalization between the ages 15-16 b/c I was a danger to myself and just existing in a haze of grey, barely making it day to day. I have been on so, so, so many medications and endless combinations of them. Currently one seems to help me some and the anti-anxiety one can take the edge off though, taking it as needed and the fact that it is a benzodiazepine means I do get worried about building tolerance to it and having it become useless, plus I wouldn’t want to up the dosage honestly.
So writing or coding or anything is basically impossible when I get too low in depression.
I really should start therapy again, possibly with an eye out for one who will work on CBT with me. I hate feeling this way and I hate what it does for me. I also hate how stigmatizing it can be. I’ve gotten so many of the whole, “change your attitude,” “toughen up!” and “fake it until you make it.” If those would actually work it would be splendid, but they do not.
Glad you wrote this post, Lauren. Thank you.
Let’s see since we’re all sharing let me tell you all about my life. when I was young I had zero friends. I was born in Sacramento California than I moved to roseville California where I was alone at that time I had no friends no TV no Internet I was in a basement playing with legos and micro machine toy cars. my parents both worked for a living as social workers my dad was a lead investigator who helped put away a serial killer Dorothy puente. Google that one since its a long story. he was also on Larry King live. my mom worked for goodwill and was a probation officer with law enforcement fast forward a few years in elementary/middle school I was always either picked on or ignored. in high school I was bullied had a exacto razor blade put to my throat and I was beaten up by 30 of my classmates. teachers never got involved. I was actually suspended from school even though I was the victim. in California my parents lost there jobs. when I was in high school it was in bay city Michigan than Midland Michigan they lost there jobs there too. so we were very poor we cleaned carpets when I was a youngster in Midland Michigan we just left bay city since we were staying upstairs in a 2 bedroom house it had 3 bedrooms but 2 of them were upstairs and there was no heat or air. we stayed there for 9 days till a nice man from remax helped us get a house. so in Midland where I got in a fight and beat up. I made friends with the wrong crowd became a smoker and my grades suffered. so they placed me in a disabled classroom. I than was diagnosed with autism and that’s when my life was changing. I met my first love her name was Melanie she was abused by her father her mom was in the army but her mom died when Melanie was little. Melanie had a much lower brain function. so I took care of her or tried too we dated but every time I found her with another guy. seven to be precise. so I broke up since I was more than patient. that’s when I heard the news in Florida. apparently one of my friends in Michigan told me she was raped by a guy who I apparently met at her house several years prior. I could have slammed the guy head into a door at that time. since that guy was drinking 2 40 ounce beers I could have prevented it. which to this day makes me sick. OK back to Florida I than meet this girl named Jennifer Tomas I’m 32 she’s 35 this is Jan 2015 time period now. well we were dating she start yelling at me prob because I told her the apt was in shambles clothes dirty dishes every where. we’ll apparently I gave her some time to cool off or tried too. I was in my bed sleeping it was a very bad rainy night any way in the news. this happens she was walking across the street with a friend and a silver truck pulls a hit and run. so she’s dazed in the street so her friend runs into the middle of the street at night to help her and that’s where it gets worse a car than hits the girl and my dear late gf rest in Peace. kills my gf and now I was so depressed. I spent 3 days 72 hours awake in 3 different psych wards. my parents are fighting and they now just split for good after 33 years of marriage my name is Matthew Franklin Coonan thank you for reading mine.
@demonryu:disqus you’ve been through so much. You’re very brave. Thanks for sharing and I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery.
Ya honestly I didn’t even know you were married so we’re both full of surprises
Hello Lauren, I’m more a reader than someone who would comment on a post. But what you wrote here touch me deeply.
For nearly a decade, I suffered with depression and everything else that went with it. Relationships, friendships, and even my job suffered because of this.
Prior to me suffering from depression I was always a happy-go-lucky kind of a guy, but all of that changed when I got attacked by 4 guy’s on a bus heading home one afternoon. I walked away from the incident with some bruises and several cut Marks from a knife.
Believe it or not, I was actually okay mentally. Physically, that’s a different story, bruises and some pain over my entire body. But mentally you would never have thought anything bad had happened to me. But what triggered my depression was what happen one week later, I finished work that evening. On my way home, I picked up a newspaper from the corner-shop and read an article about a man who got attacked on a bus and died on route to the hospital. That article sent me into a panic attack there and then. From that day on the world changed for me and I spent almost eight years in a dark place.
I resisted therapy for the longest time, eventually I sought out a therapist because I needed help. When I saw my therapist, one of the 1st things I said to him was I feel weak because I’m sitting here talking to you, he said something to me that I’ve never forgotten. He said, “You see yourself as week for asking for help, but just think about how much strength it took for you to be sitting here with me, I don’t see a weak man, but someone with incredible strength.” I didn’t know what to say or what to think. He was right.
Moving onto 2015: This has been the first year in such a long time that I can honestly say I have truly enjoyed. I’ve overcome my depression and everything else that came with it. I find exercise and having a morning routine in place helps so much, cutting out all form’s off negativity is a must, be them family or friends. If they’re not a positive influence in your life, get rid of them. (I know it’s a hard thing to do, but you do see the benefits to this action)
In January of this year, I started writing about my depression (it was meant to be a one off post, but turned into a 8 going on 9 long form blog post) along with a few other things I find of interest. But what has been very surprising about me writing is, people think I’m good and funny? And the only thing I’ve ever written in my life has been staff reports or budget reports.
While at this time I write under an alias on the social network Ello. I don’t feel confident enough to have a blog under my own name. Plus writing is something very new to me.
This has helped me keep my depression at bay. Sorry for the long comment. But I just want to say thank you for the great article.
You take care.
Plus laughing, I laugh, joke and smile a lot. It helps so much.
Stay EPIC!
@fja973:disqus thank you for this heartfelt post. It means a lot that you shared your story here.
It’s my pleasure Lauren, part of me feels it’s important to share stories like this with others to show them that there not alone.
Frank any time you want to talk I’m here
Thank you demonryu, that’s very kind of you.
this video is something different its not spam but its about my parents marriage. i sent each one a email with the video. i was hoping you would all watch it and get back to me on it since they split the song basically sums it up. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vj9NKB27kNE
this is my love shes the one on the ground and it was a rainy night. http://www.pnj.com/story/news/2015/01/22/two-women-struck-by-car-on-davis-higway/22197751/ jennifer tomas i love you and i miss you dearly.
[…] How anxiety and depression affect your writing career […]
As a journalism student, I am really struggling … This article was somewhat helpful but … I am not sure what to do in situations where I am supposed to produce work, news, find breaking news, write articles, … and I am depressed and with no energy and all I do is sleep all day.
How do you keep up with your work when those weeks hit where you are literally useless?
> Why is it OK to label yourself a depressed person, when depressive episodes are temporary?
I would not call my 7 years and counting temporary. I admit I hope this will end, but so far there’s no evidence it will. I’ve met exactly 0 people, who have been cured of depression and/or anxiety.
I know I sound negative, but, as you know, dealing with mental problems isn’t a walk in the park. Which is the feeling I got from your article. I’m pretty sure that isn’t what you meant to say, so sorry for misunderstanding.
It’s nice to read about someone conquering their depression. I haven’t been so lucky, despite years of off and on therapists and studying psychology, but I’m always trying.